Ch. 4: Remembering

Chapter Four: Remembering

Today is always such a difficult day for me. I thought that maybe as the years went on the pain would disappear. I wish I were that lucky... Although, the heartache has subsided a lot since Adeline and Nathan came along, this day every year my heart hurts for my little baby boy. Charlie would have been 19 today. Every year i feel like this day will never end, but it does, and so quickly it comes again. I try to keep my spirits up for Kyler and the kids but it’s hard to be strong. Especially today... I hope they understand when I have my weak moments. I’m sure they do. They’re filled with so much love and really they’re the only reason I can even pull myself out of bed on this day. Maybe next year will be easier... Oh who am I kidding? I tell myself that every year. Well, I suppose it’s about time I start this day. Happy birthday Charlie. I love you, always and forever.

"Good morning Mom." I call to her as she walks into the kitchen still wearing her pajamas. She has a smile on her face but she looks worn down. "I made pancakes for breakfast if you want some." I smile at her.

"Thanks sweetheart but I'm not really hungry right now. Where are your dad and brother?"

"Oh, they went to that convention at the planetarium. Remember, they've had tickets for months?"

"Right. I forgot."

I know today is tough for my mom. Even though she had never mentioned it to me I know that today was Charlie's birthday and I just wish that there was something I could do to make this day less painful for her. 

"It's just the two of us today, Mom. Anything you want to do? We could go out and do something or just stay in and watch movies. You pick."

Mom smiles. "You know, I think a girls day in, just watching movies and eating junk food, sounds perfect!"

"Alright." I laugh. I'm happy to see her smiling. "Movies it is."

Mom walks over to me and wraps her arms around me. "I love you Addie. Don't you ever forget that." She whispers in my ear and then kisses my cheek.

I smile at her. "I know Mom. And I love you. Hey, I'll get some snacks, why don't you go pick out the movies."

Mom nods and then turns towards the living room. That's when she finally notices the flowers on the counter. 

"Those are from Dad. He said they were 'Just Because' flowers, to brighten your day."

She laughs and continues her way into the living room. "Your father is such a romantic." she mumbles. 

The flowers had brought a smile to mom's face and I knew that was Dad's only wish. Now if only I could keep her spirits up for the rest of the day...

------

We were starting on our second chick flick when mom turned towards me with tears in her eyes.

"Mom. What's wrong?" That was a stupid question. I know what it is.

"I just... Oh, God. I just miss him! And I'm so pathetic because it's been so many years and I have so much to be thankful for but I just wish that he could be here with us."

"Oh Mom..." For the first time in my life I am at a loss for words. My mother has never talked about my older brother with me. Now that she has, I have no clue what to say. 

Suddenly Mom laughs. Oh great! I think to myself. She's finally lost it! And of course, Dad isn't here to help...

"Uh, Mom?"

"He was such a curious little boy. That always got him into trouble. I know he would have been the clown of the family. Your father and I would have definitely had our hands full." She smiles and looks at me. "He would have been a great big brother. He had so much love in him. I know he'd be over protective of you and Nathan. Especially you. He wouldn't let a boy near you."

I smile at the the thought and then see mom's face fall again. The tears fall again too.

"I shouldn't do this. This pretending. How am I supposed to know what it would be like? I'm a terrible mother!"

"Mom! How could you even think that?" I am shocked by her words. She is the furthest thing from a terrible mother. Sure, we have our disagreements, but she is the kindest, most giving, and by far the strongest person I have ever known. "You're a wonderful mother!" 

"I just feel like it's wrong of me to want what I can't have instead of embracing all that I do have."

"Mom." I grab her hands. "There is nothing wrong with you remembering Charlie. That's what you're doing. Remembering his qualities. What he was like, and what he would be like. That doesn't mean you don't love Nathan, Dad and me. We know you do. You've never shown us anything but love." The words were finally coming to me. "And you are not pathetic!" 

I look straight into her eyes to show her I mean it. "You are strong every other day of the year. No matter what we're going through you're our rock! It's alright to show some weakness every once in a while. I mean, come on, you're only human."

She nods her head and a smile plays across her lips.

"What?" I ask.

"I am just so proud of you. You have grown into such a mature and talented woman. I mean, what sixteen year old can sit down and give advice like that and talk their crazy mom out of hysterics? You're the only one I know of!" 

She really smiles this time. "Addie, sweetheart, thank you for all that you are. You have always been my little miracle and I know you're going to make miracles happen all your life. In everything you do." 

She pulls me close, hugging me tight. "Alright, now let's watch some more of these so-stupid-and-cheesy-they're-funny movies."

I smile and nod my head as I press play. Then I turn and look at the woman who gave me life, who I owe everything to, and who always has and always will believe in me. It's time for me to do something special for her. 

------

It's going on 10:30 when I make it up to my room. Dad and Nathan had gotten home from the planetarium about two hours ago and we had a late dinner. It was nice though, to just sit around the table and talk to each other. Life goes by so fast that we don't get many moments like those anymore, and when you do, you really have to take time to stop and appreciate them.

I sit down at my desk, running my hands along the cool surface of my laptop. I open it up and the light from the screen illuminates my room. I finally open up the blank word document titled "Writing Contest". There's a writing contest going on at my school that my English teacher really wants me to enter, but up until tonight I couldn't find anything worth entering.

I had decided it earlier today, looking at my beautiful mother who has been through so much, that my entry would be about her. My hero. I don' t know if I'll put her name in here yet, but either way, people need to know that good things can come from tragedy. That there are still ways to gracefully cope with all the bad in the world. And that not all weakness is bad. Just because you are weak does not mean you are broken. My mother is living proof of all these things and it's time people know.